Jenny Grace is one month old already!
Her perfect little self has been on this earth for four whole weeks.
The first month of her life flew by so fast I can hardly believe it.
Being a new mom is hard.
So fun, but so hard.
I never realized how honest people were being when they told me I would never sleep again.
Jenny's first night home from the hospital was the longest night of my life filled with cluster feeding and trying to soothe a crying frantic baby.
We must have gotten less than an hour of sleep that night.
Insert new mom panic.
How on earth was I supposed to do this every night?
About two weeks in and after meeting with three different lactation specialists, I realized that nursing was not going to happen for us.
As natural of a thing as nursing should be, it doesn't come natural at all. At least for us it didn't.
She couldn't latch for the life of her.
Not even the nurses or lactation specialists could get her to do it.
So after several tries and failed attempts, and a screaming baby every time I tried to feed her, I decided I would pump and feed her breast milk from a bottle.
Insert new mom guilt.
I felt like a failure for not being able to nurse my baby.
Around this same time I realized that my emotions were definitely not in check.
I felt overwhelming feelings of sadness and longed for my old life with my husband, before baby.
I cried over everything and over nothing at all.
And I cried a lot.
I love this baby, I wanted this baby, I planned for this baby.
So why was I feeling this way?
I talked with my doctor and immediately felt a weight off my shoulders when he reassured me that what I was feeling is normal.
I often questioned why no one had ever told me the truth.
Why didn't anyone tell me that I would really never sleep through the night again?
Why didn't anyone tell me that i'm not a failure for not being able to nurse my baby or how exhausting having a newborn really is?
That I would never have time for myself anymore.
That those first few weeks are spent constantly meeting the demands of a needy baby.
I felt helpless and lost and genuinely sad.
I felt inadequate to give this baby everything she deserves in life.
I have never had to rely more on my Heavenly Father.
Things slowly started to get better each day as I started to figure Jenny out a little more each day.
She started sleeping longer through the night and was taking her bottles like a champ.
Pumping started to become more normal, and even though I hate it, it has worked its way into our daily routine.
I felt myself slowly starting to feel happier and more like myself again.
My love for Jenny grew as she grew.
Around her fourth week of life she began to become more alert and aware of her surroundings.
My heart melted when she flashed me her first big smile.
It made me feel as if I must be doing something right.
She loves to be swaddled for bedtime and naps, and always sleeps with her arms up above her head.
She usually goes to bed around 10 p.m. and wakes up around 2 a.m. and 6 a.m. to eat.
She makes the cutest faces in her sleep. She smiles and makes sad faces.
It makes me wonder what she dreams about.
She LOVES to stretch and makes the funniest little grunting noises when she does it.
At first she wasn't sure about bath time but now as long as she's fed she likes her bath, especially when we wash her hair.
She likes to hang out in just a diaper, and has gotten really good at tummy time. She can hold up her own head a lot better now and has the strongest little legs!
She hates her car seat but seems to like the car once it's moving.
She will not take a pacifier which I have mixed feelings about, but I guess when she's older i'll be grateful for that.
She loves to listen to music and look at pictures on the wall.
She weighed 8.5 pounds at her 2 week appointment, 1.3 pounds more than she weighed at birth.
She likes ceiling fans and story time.
And she gets prettier by the day.
Adjusting to having a baby was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.
But now that things are better and we have found a new normal, I can honestly say that having her was the best decision we ever made.
She is the source of most of our joy in life and the topic of most of our conversations.
She is so silly and makes us laugh so much.
Happy one month birthday Jenny Grace.
You are loved beyond measure!
